so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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