somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
