my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
