he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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