I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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