He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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