Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
