i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
