you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
