ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
