What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
