I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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