Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
