mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
