He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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