bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
