ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
