I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
