i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
