At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
