I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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