Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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