I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
