I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
what day is it and did you see me today?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
