Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
