Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
