Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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