My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
