if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He did a backflip because drugs
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