this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
