you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
