he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
