So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
