And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
