living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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