My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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