I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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