I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
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Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
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You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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