The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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