My first STD was from a foam party
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
