how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
