The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
