Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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