woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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