Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
