woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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