Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
