I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
