the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
