Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
