Cold hands, warm shart.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
