So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Everyone says I win the strip club
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
