She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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