he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
two words: eviction party
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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