this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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