I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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