We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
