Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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